I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
