before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
