Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
