Barsexuality is the new black.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
