I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
