i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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