I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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