Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
