He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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