Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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