Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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