Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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