I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
