I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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