i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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