non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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