Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
