I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
