You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
