I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
