Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
