As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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