I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
