Just took my morning after pill in the library
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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