Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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