Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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