Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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