bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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