when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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