So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
