My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
