I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
