Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
