mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
