we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
