The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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