$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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