you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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