So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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