some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
