she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
