Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
