I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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