Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
