the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
