I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
