I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
