my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
