Soap is not a condiment
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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