Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
